5 Toxic types of in laws, and how to deal with them

It’s no coincidence that toxic in-laws are such a popular trope in movies—and the stars of some of the juiciest, most upvoted threads on Reddit. Understandably, getting along with someone else’s family is a major learning curve, and it’s even harder when their behaviors range from overbearing and controlling to straight-up disrespectful and cruel.

This whole dynamic is uniquely complicated because sure, they’re family—but not the one you’ve grown up with and spent your whole life building trust with. And any brewing tension isn’t just between you and them: You’ve got your partner’s emotions to consider too, Nedra Tawwab, LCSW, a licensed therapist based in Charlotte, North Carolina, and author of Drama Free: A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships, tells SELF. That’s why criticizing every mildly frustrating thing they do can be a slippery slope—one that might make your partner believe you’re just looking for reasons to hate their parents.

So what can you do then? It depends on the situation, but the experts we spoke with agree it often comes down to setting boundaries and communicating them clearly and respectfully. Before you even get to that, though, you and your partner need to agree that the behavior is a problem in the first place. And then, align on the best way to handle it. Otherwise, “it can create incredible relationship difficulties if they aren’t comfortable speaking up or aren’t willing to have your back,” Amy Morin, LCSW, a therapist based in Marathon, Florida, and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, tells SELF.

But assuming you and your SO have had that talk, what’s next? Below, experts break down the most common types of toxic in-laws—plus, their best advice for handling each one.

1. The one who ignores your boundaries.

When you’ve established your own rhythm in a marriage, it can be frustrating for an in-law to insist on doing things their way. Maybe you’ve made clear that your kids aren’t allowed to watch TV past dinner—and yet, your mother-in-law keeps sneaking in late-night screen time. Or your partner’s parents are always showing up unannounced when you’d prefer a heads-up.

What to do: According to Morin, this may be a situation where the message should come from their own child. “So many people don’t want to offend their mother- or father-in-law, so having your partner say, ‘Hey, we’re not comfortable with that,’ can be great,” she explains. After all, “they have a much longer relationship than you do.”

Another option is approaching the issue together as a united front. While speaking up, both therapists suggest focusing on the behavior, not their character. So keep the tone respectful and firm with “we” statements like, “We appreciate you watching the kids, but we need you to follow our rules about screen time” or “We love having you come over, but next time could you please let us know beforehand?” Framing it as a collective choice (not just a personal preference) will (hopefully) prompt them to take your request seriously.

2. The one who thinks they know what’s best for you.

Whether it’s about how you parent, how you cook, or even how you manage your finances, some in-laws can’t help but chime in with opinions you didn’t ask for. Oh, you’re still renting? You should’ve bought a house by now! Are you sure you want to sleep-train your baby?

As frustrating as these comments can be, they don’t always come from a bad place, Tawwab points out. Still, that doesn’t make them any less intrusive—or exhausting to deal with. Over time, constant input on your choices and lifestyle can start to feel like a lack of trust or respect for your decisions.

What to do: For one, you can “control the information that’s shared,” Tawwab suggests—meaning if you know they’ll have a lot to say about switching careers, for instance, consider sparing the details of your interview processes. The less they know, the less they can weigh in.

That said, “letting [your in-law] know that it's an issue is also really important,” she adds, because a person can’t change hurtful actions if they don’t realize they’re a problem. Try a “we” or “I” statement like, “Actually, we’re on top of our financial budget and already have a strategy we’re comfortable with” or “I’ve done a lot of planning regarding what I want for my future, but I appreciate your input.” Ideally, anyone who truly wants the best for you will honor your wishes. And if their input continues to be dismissive or disrespectful? Well, that brings us to our next section.

3. The one who constantly disrespects you.

It’s one thing for an in-law to have opinions—it’s another when they start resembling outright disrespect. After you just had a baby, your mother-in-law keeps insulting your body. As soon as you mention your job, your father-in-law is quick to downplay your achievements and chime in about getting a “real” or “better” one.

Some in-laws may be more subtle with their put-downs. Instead, they might drop sneaky jabs (“It must be nice to have the luxury to focus on things like that”), snide remarks (“Wow, I can’t believe you’re still doing XYZ”), or other passive-aggressiveness that leaves you feeling inadequate.

What to do: “When that happens, speak up and make it clear that those comments aren’t welcome and won’t be tolerated,” Morin says. In some situations, addressing it right then and there will feel most appropriate. For subtle, backhanded digs, a simple “What did you mean by that?” can prompt them to rephrase their thoughts more kindly. As for more direct, mean ones, try a calm but firm “I” statement like “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make those kinds of comments.”

This is also something worth bringing up to your partner. But instead of going straight into “I can’t stand your mom!” or “Your dad is such a condescending jerk,” Morin recommends focusing on the action: “I feel undermined when they talk about my career like that” or “I was hurt when they criticized my appearance again.” From there, you can discuss the best way forward—whether that involves your SO having a serious one-on-one with their parent, arranging a group discussion as a trio, or, if the disrespect continues, limiting your interactions to group settings only.

4. The one who undermines your partner.

It can be really hard to stay quiet when you spot your partner putting up with their family’s toxic behaviors, Tawwab says. For instance, maybe their mother guilt-trips them any time they try to make an independent decision. Or their dad constantly belittles them under the guise of “constructive criticism.”

What to do: Instead of outright bashing their family or telling your partner how to feel (which will likely make them defensive, not reflective), a more effective approach is to help them recognize harmful patterns on their own. “You can slowly introduce ideas of what’s healthy by asking questions like, ‘How do you feel about [experience]?’” Tawwab suggests. Or, “That seemed a bit harsh. Are you okay?”

According to Tawwab, people who come from unhealthy environments of their own might pick up on manipulative or controlling tendencies that their partners may not recognize themselves. So these questions can gently encourage them to process their experiences over time—without feeling pressured to adopt your perspective.

5. The one who “competes” with you for your partner’s attention.

Some parents struggle to let go when their child “replaces” them by building a life with someone else, causing them to see you as a rival instead of family. That might explain why your in-laws insist on being the first to know big news, constantly one-up your achievements, or find a way to make everything (your birthday, honeymoon, or anniversary) about themselves. Eventually, this can make your relationship feel like an exhausting contest for your spouse’s attention and approval.

What to do: Whatever you do, avoid the urge to one-up them or get overly defensive. “It’s best to ignore comments meant to stir up competitiveness—at least in the moment,” Morin says. Instead, she suggests brushing them off with a short but cordial response (“I’m glad you two have such a close bond—it’s good for him to have support from both of us!”) or even countering with praise (“My lasagna will never replace your recipe”). “Their competition likely stems from a place of insecurity, and when you reassure them that you aren’t running in the same race, they might actually back off,” she explains.

At the same time, “you should never ignore passive-aggressive or rude behavior,” Tawwab says. “When you do, these incidents will keep happening”—which is why it’s worth talking to your loved one about establishing clear boundaries, like couple-only time and activities. The goal is to prioritize your romance without falling into a tug-of-war for your partner’s time, attention, or loyalty.

Even if you handle these sticky situations delicately, however, it’s not always enough to change a person’s toxic behaviors, Tawwab points out. In some cases, the best (or only) move is to accept your in-law for who they are, and potentially consider stepping back to protect your own mental health. (Luckily, we’ve got a whole article on that here.) Because while you can’t make someone like, respect, or treat you the way you deserve, you can control how you engage—and what you’ll tolerate even from your so-called family.