Many of you might be outdoors this weekend enjoying the sun, having all the fun at Rocking the Daisies. Godspeed you tiny cosmonauts! May your festival be fun and fruitful. Some of you will be longing for love and will no doubt be looking for it at all the wrong hours and in all the wrong places. And that’s why I’m here for a pep talk and a good tip.

Festivals are a great place to rekindle old flames, turn friendships into romance, spark new fires or just meet somebody behind a tree for a discreet quickie. It’s all about timing, reading the room (tent or bush), but most importantly being open to possibility and sudden changes of heart.

The thing about festivals is that we often become better or worse versions of ourselves at these things, so if you go with set expectations or agendas you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. That girl or boy you’ve been setting your sights on for the last while is gonna be there, and you might hope this will be your opportunity to plant one or other seed of love, but they might be on a totally different wavelength or journey when they get there, so if you hold on to that dream too tightly you might chase it away or harsh their vibe. You might also miss the other people who have their sights set on you.

Lesson one: let the festival guide you, don’t try guide the festival. And let people be people. They paid hard earned cash to go have fun. Get on the fun bus or get run over.

That’s also part of the foreplay. By opening your heart and mind to experiences and putting yourself in the right places at the right time (like the dark forested edeges of the party where some of your friends boyfriends might be lurking after hours. What?!) you are going to make yourself more visible and more available to the possibility of romance, sex or whatever comes your way.

Lesson two: don’t miss the party. Be in the right place at the right time.

Of course nothing revs the engine like dancing. Never fear the dance floor. It is your friend. This is also one time and place where dripping in sweat and hormones is going to work in your favour. Bodies all pressed together moving in unison. Mmmm. Shyness is sweet, but confidence (even if you are a hopeless dancer and have two left feet) is still sexy. Eye contact is crucial too. So many things can be said with a single glance. To the queer folk reading this you might be familiar with the concept of cruising, but to all of you heteronormative folk I say use what the good lord gave you and cruise the fuck out of that dancefloor, dam, steers burger cue or wherever and dance and seduce with your eyes. You are a powerful seductress, even dripping in 1000 island sauce. Own that power and put it to good use.

Lesson three: be available, be fun, be sexy.

Now before we start laying down rules for sex, let’s cover one fundamental rule of festival going, which is ‘DON’T BE A DICK’. Nobody likes rude people, nobody likes a showoff, nobody likes aggression, sexism, racism or any of the isms, for that matter. Come right and come correct. And make friends with everybody you meet and go out of your way to make other people feel welcome and included. It costas you nothing and means you get to meet more people.

Lesson four: kindness is sexy.

Festival sex is a scary and wonderful thing. If done right, it can be life altering, earth shattering, universe imploding kinda stuff. Of course, it’s not without its challenges. Your tent is a hotbox in the day, wafting with the odours of two-day old ball sack and overworn boot. You’ve barely seen a shower by day two, your neighbours can hear everything and the drugs you took are making it really hard to get a boner.

Chances are you’re gonna be off your tits, seeing people with rose tinted lenses courtessy of that madona album you swallowed earlier, feeling free and wanting to feel someone else’s oats for once, which means you might also drop your standards and makes some poor choices of your own.

Let’s just clear up one or two things first though. If you aren’t willing to do cunnilingus or give head at a festival then you aren’t in any position to expect a blowjob from anybody. That’s just reasonable. And remember, you are at a festival, which means cleanliness is nexto godliness, which refers to your stank ass and the inside of your tent, real and euphamistic. It’s just courteous.

Sex in a tent is actually kind of boring, but you can turn the proximity of your neighbours into a fun sex game. Being quite at all costs can be a fun kinky way to heighten both you and your partner’s pleasure. You can also just throw all caution to the wind and make as much noise as you can. It cvan be quite liberating, albeit a tad inconsiderate.

Outdoor sex is the best. There’s nothing like having sex in nature under the sky with the risk of being caught or being seen. Of course the downside of this is actually being caught, but it still beat trying to have sex in a tent sauna on a comedown. A litle courtessy walk into the wilderness is perfectly acceptable. You might meet some interesting people along the way.

And probably the most important lesson of all: consent.

Lesson five: consent is sexy. It’s also essential. It needs to be spoken, never assumed or taken as a given.