Sex Shrink: How to tell if she’s faking it

Anonymous: Hi GQ, I think my girlfriend is faking orgasms. How can I tell if they are real or not?

You think? Of course she’s faking it – her and 70% of all women in the world. Men are more intuitive than they know, so if you think she’s faking it, then you’re probably right.

Here’s your checklist:

– Did her clitoris retract prior to orgasm? You don’t need a magnifying glass to inspect her. You can feel it.

– Were her pupils dilated?

– Did her vagina feel like a python crushing your penis at any stage? Vaginal contractions are the most obvious physical reaction in building up to an orgasm.

– Did her heart rate increase exponentially?

– Were her lips flushed? Prior to orgasm her mouth and labia will take on a much rosier hue.

– Did her body suddenly burst with sweat?

– Could you poke your eyes out on her nipples? Were they even hard at all?

– Was her clitoris ticklish after orgasm?

Women aren’t wired the same way as men. It’s not all ‘two-tugs and you’re ready to go’. A woman is a minefield of psychology and sensuality. You can’t just rush in, lance in hand, and expect to get to the other side with your limbs intact. No, you need patience, perseverance and direction.

The first rule of sex with women: if it’s not working, it’s not going to work. Her Garden of Eden won’t part its otherworldly secrets unless she’s 100% committed to the idea of having sex with you.

‘Well then why bother? At least I can blow a load,’ some of you may say. Wrong! An orgasm is one of the most sacred gifts a man can give a woman. Sure she can give it to herself easily enough, but knowing that it comes from you is just that much better. A vagina is not a totalitarian state. It needs a public holiday once in a while, preferably one with a shitload of fireworks. So, before you even begin trying to understand ‘how’ to give her the big ‘O’, try learning some sensitivity first. Get her in the mood. Don’t just tell her she’s beautiful and that you love her. Make her feel like she is the supreme ruler of your universe, and while that’s only a start, it’s a good direction.

Most women are just trying to protect your feelings. Of course some of them have more diabolical intentions, but the bottom line is that faking orgasms is counterproductive and particularly un-feminist. Help her understand that you want to do whatever it takes to make her cum. Communication and a willingness to get her rocks off will improve your chances.

In the meantime, the easiest way to see if she’s faking is to interrupt her orgasm. If she’s faking it, she won’t be that fussed if you stop, but if it’s the real thing she’ll be furious. It’s sneaky, but at least you’ll have peace of mind.