#SexColumn: How to kill or save your relationship

By Sharon Gordon

I was once asked how come I had so many husbands and thought that I could hand out advice on sex, intimacy and relationships. I would have thought that the answer was obvious. Because I’ve had so many relationships, I have a fairly good idea of what works and what doesn’t.

I need to add that all my long-term relationships continue in one form or another even after all these years. We have remained friends, and I have no regrets. Well maybe one or two, especially the first husband who went on to become mega wealthy. Sigh.

Back to that advice I like to hand out. Relationships often fail because of what remains unsaid. Whether it’s out of fear or not wanting to hurt feelings, it’s unhealthy.

Here is a list of what I consider the killers in any relationship.

• Needing to be right and inevitably
• Keeping score
• Unspoken expectations
• Not meeting spoken expectations
• Ignoring requests verbal or non-verbal for intimacy
• Avoidance
• ‘Be more like me, my mother, my father etc.’
• Being defensive and impatient
• Withholding the truth, it just never works out well
• Conditional love, this is closely linked to control and attempting to manage your partner’s behaviour
• Making demands rather than inviting or asking
• Criticising or belittling your partner at every turn, especially in front of others
• Betraying trust, sorry just doesn’t cut it and it takes years to get back.

I recognize my failed relationships and know now where we went wrong. It’s hard not to fall back into the old patterns.

All relationships go through tough times. I’m yet to meet a couple who spent 60 years blissfully happy.

I can’t remember who said it but when they were asked what the secret to their long marriage was, the answer was ‘Neither of us wanted to get divorced at the same time.

Which brings me to the list of relationship savers.

Successful couples are not joined at the hip. They do:

• Embrace their differences
• Freedom to be yourself and express themselves
• Curiosity about everything. Your partner’s life, new hobbies, learning, music, movies, food. You name it, be curious about it.
• Listen and hold space. A relationship save is simply asking do you want me to solve this or just listen. And then do what is asked, rather than the opposite.
• Be compassionate.
• Communicate – shew this is a hard one because really what does it mean and how do you do it without upsetting the other person. The more you practise, the easier it gets.
• A sense of humour helps. Try to laugh with your partner rather than at your partner.
• Stay committed even during the hard times. As the Buddhists say ‘this too shall Pass’. I’ve been listening to some podcasts, and they all say, don’t give up. Hang in there. But sometimes it’s enough and you have to step away. I never walked away from a marriage without a long hard debate and months of therapy.

I do believe that relationships have a time span and then they change into something else. If that something else is a continued friendship but not a marriage, then I believe you’re winning.

There are always deal breakers. These are mine:

• Control
• Attacking verbally, emotionally or physically
• Substance abuse
• Manipulation
• Disrespect
• Violence in any form
• Gaslighting
• A clash of values, such as racism
• Any form of abuse
• Repeated boundary violations

At some stage you have to know bad behaviour is not going to change. Maya Angelo famously said, ‘when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them!’ This saying echoes through the passage at my home.

I have drummed it into my children. We all get triggered, and you need to find ways to deal with it. If you want the relationship to work, then behaviour has to change.

These are the top tips for doing the work:

• Take a breath or three before you respond. Then respond and don’t react
• Assumption is the mother of all **** ups so don’t assume, ask first
• Believe the in the best of your partner
• Be very clear about your needs, desires and boundaries. If you can’t, you may very well be in the wrong relationship
• Don’t take things personally. I really battle with this.
• Take responsibility, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and deserve a second chance. I’m just not into a third and fifteenth chance.
• Take care of yourself. You serve no one if you don’t.

Remember that we all deserve a safe, secure and loving relationship. If you don’t at least have this then you have nothing.

You cannot save anyone from their problems. You can only work on yourself. No one can save you from your demons and problems and it’s unfair and damaging to expect anything else.

Your boundaries are sacred. They can be negotiated but once they are set, stick to it. Do not manipulate or be manipulated into breaching them.

Try not to take things so seriously, there must be time for silliness and play. Laughter cures a myriad of difficulties.

Lastly, remember that no relationship is perfect. There will always be good and bad times. Try not to want to get divorced at the same time. And if you do then it’s okay to call it quits before you destroy each other.

Don’t forget to follow me on social media for more tips, techniques and specials.

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