Understanding ‘the ick’: how attraction can quickly fade
It’s the month of love and while some people are deep in Valentine’s Day bliss others are battling a far less romantic reality - the dreaded ick.
According to Google Trends, searches for “giving me the ick” have surged in the past month, making it clear that people everywhere (including South Africa) are obsessed with figuring out why attraction can flip into repulsion so suddenly.
But what exactly is the ick, and is there really no coming back from it?
What is "the ick" and why does it happen?
The term “getting the ick” dates back to early 2000s pop culture, first appearing in an episode of “Ally McBeal” before being popularised by “Love Island” contestants who used it to describe an instant, irreversible turn-off.
Psychologists explain that the ick happens when you suddenly feel a strong sense of repulsion toward someone you were initially attracted to.
It’s that moment when something small like how they slurp their tea, or how they text with too many emojis makes you recoil.
Psychology explains the ick as essentially our brain’s way of rejecting a partner when something disrupts the attraction.
"It can be triggered by physical gestures, behaviours, or even just a sudden realisation that this person isn’t who you imagined them to be."
Common causes of the ick
While the ick is deeply personal and unpredictable, some common triggers include:
- Seeing your partner in an unflattering moment (think: food stuck in their teeth or an awkward dance move).
- Overexposure spending too much time together too soon.
- Small but annoying habits (talking too loudly, bad texting etiquette, or wearing socks with sandals).
- Trying too hard sometimes, when someone is overly eager, it makes them seem less attractive.
- A shift in perception realising they’re not as confident, mysterious, or funny as you once thought.
Can you come back from the ick?
Traditionally, the ick has been seen as a death sentence for attraction once you feel it, there’s no going back. But is that really true?
The Netflix show “Nobody Wants This” challenges this idea. In the series, Joanne (played by Kristen Bell) gets the ick when Noah (Adrien Brody) shows up in a mismatched outfit, carrying too many sunflowers in an attempt to impress her mother.
At first, Joanne feels repulsed and unsure, but instead of running, she reflects on why she felt that way. She realises that the ick wasn’t really about his outfit it was about her fear of receiving love and commitment.
This is a revelation many relationship experts agree with.
Sometimes, the ick is less about the other person and more about our own discomfort with intimacy, vulnerability, or change.
How to overcome the ick (if you want to)
If you’re experiencing the ick but still think your partner has potential, here are some ways to work through it:
Ask yourself: Is this really a deal breaker?
Did they actually do something unacceptable, or is it just a minor annoyance? If it’s harmless, it might be worth pushing through.
Recognise your own patterns
If you always get the ick after a few weeks or months, it could be a sign of fear of commitment rather than a genuine lack of attraction.
Give it time
Sometimes, the ick fades when you stop fixating on it. Focus on the person’s positive traits instead.
Talk to your partner about it (if appropriate)
If it’s something small, like a habit that bothers you, an open (but kind) conversation can help.
Accept that some icks are permanent
If the ick is tied to something that truly repels you like a personality trait or fundamental difference it’s okay to walk away.
The ick is a weird, sometimes irrational phenomenon, but it doesn’t always mean your relationship is doomed. Sometimes, it’s just your brain freaking out about emotional closeness.
As seen in “Nobody Wants This”, (if you haven’t seen it, I am judging you, it’s totally worth a binge!) overcoming the ick is possible if you’re open to challenging your own fears and expectations.
But if the ick is a sign of genuine incompatibility, it’s also okay to trust your gut and move on.
Next time you feel the ick creeping in, ask yourself: “Is this a real red flag, or is just my brain playing tricks on me?”