OPINION: Good behaviour is its own reward

SOMETIMES what feels good can be pretty bad.

For example, for two weeks now, I have had very little to complain about - no rude store assistants, no frustrating drivers, absolutely nobody getting on my nerves. So what could be bad about that, you might wonder? Well, this turn of events came about because I hardly made it into public. I didn’t come into contact with many people at all.

My alarming conclusion is that these days, the only way not to be irritated is to avoid people entirely.

Or maybe I’m finally maturing. Then again, maybe not.

I have a sneaky suspicion that maturity goes deeper than just avoiding conflict, and that it’s actually about getting to a place where you don’t even desire to be a miserable fussbundle.

And, by the way, it doesn’t take much to be one of those … a fussbundle, I mean. All you need is to expect to have your way all the time, in every situation, regardless of what’s right, fair or just; as long as you have your way!

But how does this start? Where do fussbundles come from?

One early 20th-century writer didn’t mince words. She went straight to the root:

“Children who have been petted and waited upon always expect it; and if their expectations are not met, they are disappointed and discouraged. 

“This same disposition will be seen through their whole lives; they will be helpless, leaning upon others for aid, expecting others to favour them and yield to them. And if they are opposed, even after they have grown to manhood and womanhood, they think themselves abused; and thus they worry their way through the world, hardly able to bear their own weight, often murmuring and fretting because everything does not suit them.”

Sound familiar?

It seems no one wants to be a fussbundle. I doubt anyone sets out aspiring to it. Yet bad behaviour often persists because - whether we realise it or not - it still feels rewarding. It promises a moment of satisfaction, however fleeting, that comes with being disagreeable.

Is there a solution? Can this out-of-control freight train be slowed down?

The following anecdote, credited to Alfie Kohn, makes me believe it is possible.

There was once an old man who endured daily insults from a group of youth passing his house after school.

One afternoon, after enduring another round of jeers, he came up with a plan. He waited for them on his front lawn and offered to pay R5 to any one of them who returned the next day to yell insults again.

Amazed and excited, they showed up even earlier the following day, hollering taunts and insults for all they were worth. True to his word, the old man ambled out and paid everyone. 

“Do the same tomorrow,” he told them, “and you’ll get 50 cents for your trouble.” 

The youngsters thought that was still a pretty good deal and turned out again the next day to take a dig at him. Sure enough, at the height of their fun, he walked over and handed out the five-bobs. 

Then he said, “Please don’t stop coming, but from now on I can give you only a cent for doing this.” 

And he never heard from them again.

Maybe bad behaviour stops being fun when the reward disappears.

Maybe, just maybe, that’s where real maturity begins.