When I went shopping online for a fleecy thong

SO THERE I was earlier this month, eagerly reconnoitring the clothing stores at our city’s malls, trying to decide the best colour for my summer G-string.

The weather was warming up nicely and I was keen to get myself what would be considered a ‘thrilling thong’ or a ‘kicker of a knicker’!

And then ‘ka-SNAP’ went the cold snap and, just like that, I was compelled to go online to see if I could find a ‘fabulous furry floss’ from one of the northern hemisphere countries that are headed to winter!

Now, though I have quite a few friends who, like me, don’t mind winter that much, when winter surprises you with an unexpected sucker-punch, it strains the seasonal romance. And, by the way, a springtime cold snap also serves to confuse the nation.

This past week I have seen people with jackets, jerseys, caps and scarfs … but also brave souls (probably with better circulation and more robust platelets) wearing flip-flops, kortbroekies and T-shirts; as if our nation wasn’t confused and divided enough!

I even found myself leaving some food out overnight last weekend thinking to myself that it was cold enough in the kitchen, and it did not need refrigeration.

Obviously, that wasn’t a wise move as it’s recommended that if food sits out at room temperature (20°C - 22°C) for longer than two hours, it should be thrown away. Apparently, food poisoning bacteria grow best at temperatures between 5°C and 60°C, so I was cutting it close, with this past weekend’s temperatures ranging around 4° Celcius overnight.

However, despite the fact that refrigerating food is recommended to preserve freshness and ensure health, I was surprised to learn that there are in fact some foods that should not be refrigerated.

Bread, for example. You see, bread can become stale and dried out in the fridge, so storing bread wrapped at room temperature is a far better option. However, for those who want their bread to last longer, putting it in the freezer instead of the refrigerator is the better option.

And it’s not only bread. Bananas should be stored at room temperature for two reasons: The warm temperatures help the fruit finish ripening and the light and air slow down decay. Oh, and when the brown spots appear on the skin, this means the starch in the fruit is being converted to sugar, so the more spots the sweeter your banana will be.

And if your banana totally spoils, you can just mash it and mix it with an egg to make the most delicious banana crumpets … but you have to fry it first!

I am willing to bet that at least a handful of readers read the word “banana” in their Minion voice.

But I digress. Coffee should also not be kept in the ‘fridge’, as it tends to absorb flavours from around it … imagine onion- or garlic-flavoured coffee! Oh, and by the way, onions and garlic are best stored in a place with good air circulation, so there's no need to keep them in the refrigerator or in a sealed container.

But then again, once you've cut and prepared onion and garlic for cooking, they’ll need to be refrigerated … where they can contaminate the coffee.

Potatoes also don’t like the ‘Arctic’ but they must not be stored near the onions because tubers and bulbs emit gases that tend to accelerate spoilage. And after learning that, I have to live the rest of my life knowing that potatoes and onions fart!

But the list goes on: fresh herbs are best stored with their stems in some water in a glass at room temperature, tomatoes lose their flavour in the refrigerator. Honey will crystallise and some oils solidify. Bell peppers, cucumbers, pickles, pumpkins and eggplants, before they are skinned and chopped up, also don’t like to live in the ‘bibber-box’.

The rule seems to be, if you find it on the shelf in the store, store it on the shelf in your home. However, it’s always best to do one’s own research for peace of mind.

I say this because recently, someone commented on how difficult navigating the waters of food safety can be; dairy products, for example: “Milk is spoiled when it looks like yoghurt,” they wrote. “Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway, and can’t get more spoiled than it already is, unless it does, and then you can always cut off the fur coat it grows.”

The ‘spoiled food savant’ then added: “If your canned goods have become the shape or size of a basketball, it should be removed from the premises, but wear a helmet. If eating mayonnaise makes you violently ill, you should not have eaten it.

“Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, raisins should not be harder than your teeth and wine should not taste like salad dressing.”

The guru wasn’t done though, saying that “If you take chip dip out of its container and are able to bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.”

Then to simplify things, and give us a rule of thumb, especially since these food rules can become so complex, the fundi of fermentation writes: “Most food cannot be kept longer than the average lifespan of a hamster.

“So keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.”