The negotiators

Once accepted, both families will form a panel of negotiators, known as abakhongi. The abakhongi from the groom’s side can be a mix of trusted and skilled lieutenants and negotiators, who will be required to put the groom’s best foot forward and also tasked with negotiating a decent lobola price for the groom.

The abakhongi can be a mix of friends, mentors and family. They will form part of all future delegations and will also be roped in to mediate in marital disputes in the future, should they arise.

The abakhongi will be lead by a chief mkhongi, who is the leader of the delegation and who would be handsomely rewarded at the culmination of the wedding by the bride’s family, usually with a sheep or goat. The mkhongi’s wife would also be serenaded with a gift or two, usually in the form of pinafores, blankets and scarves, as a token of appreciation.

On the brides end, the abakhongi are typically constituted of the father’s brothers or cousins. The father is typically not allowed to form part of the negotiators, he is represented by his brothers in the process, who will act in his, the bride and the family’s best interest.

Once the grooms abakhongi have arrived, they will shout the bride’s clan names at the gate, usually in scorching heat, until the family responds. Normally, a young child will be sent to the gate to find out who is there. The child will be coached to play dumb, and the abakhongi will respond by issuing a cash note to the child, who will then awaken from their slumber to deliver the message in the house. The child may then return to open the gate.

The negotiations

Once received and inside the house or hut, the two panels will seek to outwit each other in the negotiations for several hours, but first, a vulamlomo (a treat), either in cash or a bottle of alcohol, will be required to get the hosts to partake in any discussion. Once that hurdle has passed, after several hours of to-ing and fro-ing, there will be battles to outdo each other in Zulu knowledge, customs and even quarrels about who knows which hills, rivers and key landmarks that form part of the rich Zulu heritage.

In between all of this, there could still be fines issued in the form of cash. The groom does not form part of the negotiating delegation and there will be a game of spot the bride.

Men must be clothed respectfully, in jackets, no matter the weather. Not wearing and taking off the jacket without permission, may be punishable with a fine.

The bride price

At the end of the day, the groom will deliver the first down payment in the form of cattle (or cash in urban settings) - or all of them. However, no matter the bride price, it is not uncommon for the groom to never fully pay the amount. There is an isiZulu phrase which states “umfazi akaqedwa,” which loosely translates never pay the full bride price.

Taken literally it may seem a bit harsh and patriarchal in a sense, but the reason behind it, is that the groom could still be expected to play some role in the bride’s family in future, whether it be small contributions to burials in future, helping the brides parents or siblings, or any other contribution.

With the above context in mind, the bride price is typically 11 cows, but it is the job of the groom’s abakhongi to negotiate the best deal possible, normally in the form of paying or committing to a fraction of the price of a cow. The price for each of the 11 cows is not the same, with the first two normally ring fenced specifically for the brides mum and dad. These are the most expensive of the cows, with the rest normally to be haggled on furiously by the abakhongi.

Traditionally, the lobola cows (or cash in urban settings) required, would be funded by the groom’s father, with cattle from his kraal, but such is the South African lexicon these days, most grooms have to fund the process out of pocket or for those still fortunate enough, with some assistance from family members.

The bonafide marriage certificate

Once the negotiations conclude, the appointed secretaries, one on each side, will document the negotiations and each member that forms part of the delegation on both sides, will sign the document. This effectively becomes an exhibit in the couple’s marriage contract, which will then be signed, “stamped and sealed”, by any form of a customary celebration between the two families.

After hours of negotiating, the delegation will be served lunch and they will return home to give the groom feedback. However, if the groom is lurking in the bushes, he would normally be invited to the lunch and it is argued that any ensuing celebrations and matching attires, could seal the fate of the couple in that they have now concluded a marriage, under the Recognition of Customary Marriages Act of 2021.

It is not uncommon in places like Joburg and Durban, for couples to hold lobola negotiation celebrations, a practice which is frowned upon back in rural KZN.

It is also important to note that marriages recognised under customary are only between a man and a woman, and they must be over the age of 18. The couple must be found to have had the intention of getting married under customary law, the marriage must have been negotiated and entered into in the form of a celebration. This is according to Section 3(1) of the aforementioned act.

For gay, lesbian or/and the LGBTI+ community, the unions are only recognised under the Civil Union Act in South Africa.

The membeso

After lobola, the bride’s family would host the groom and his family, in an umembeso pre-wedding ceremony, where the two families would effectively come together for the first time and further exchanges of goats, sheep and gifting - from the grooms family to the hosting brides family, would take place.

Gifts can be in many shapes and forms, from bedroom linen sets for the brides mum, to leather shoes, a suit and designer trench coat for the bride’s dad, to pinafores, blankets, scarves for the rest of the family. The gifts are in recognition and appreciation for raising the bride for the groom’s family.

After umembeso, the groom will then invite the bride’s family to umabo (the final wedding), where the bride will finally leave her family and formally join her new family after entering the kraal or ingesting inyongo (bile) from a goat. In the week leading up to the umabo, the bride’s family will bring umbondo - which is basically groceries to help the groom prepare the feast during umabo.

The final wedding ceremony

During umabo, at least a cow each on each side would be slaughtered, and as a sign of respect and goodwill, the families will trade a leg each from each cow to seal the union. In terms of the gifting, during umabo, it is the brides family that will now come bearing gifts for the grooms family and the elders.

There will also be lots of singing and dissing each other in song, but there will also be lots of feasting and camaraderie, as the two families come together.

It is a long, arduous and expensive journey, but with the long journey now concluded, it is probably important to warn couples to conclude any and all antenuptial contracts before engaging in any lobola discussions to safeguard both parties, as the lobola process can be viewed as akin to signing a marriage certificate in community of property.

The issue of lobola being or potentially being equated to marriage is now well established in case law, most notably during the HHP (Jabulani Tsambo) saga, where his partner Lerato Sengadi, who they had separated from at the time of his death, showed in the high court and the Supreme Court of Appeals that she was the former rapper’s legal wife after she was able to prove he had paid lobola for her and produced photographic evidence that a celebration took place.

There is much debate in legal circles and contradicting views about the question of lobola as marriage and the validity of an ANC concluded after lobola negotiations.

So for couples in long, stable relationships, it is most financially and legally prudent to exercise great care before entering into lobola negotiations. Should the couple not wish to marry in community of property - and this is the default regime recognised under customary law, it would be best to conclude and register an ANC contract before the uncles come calling.

Of course, post nuptial contracts are an option for those who have not registered their marriage regimes properly, but they are far more expensive and would include the couple having to appear before a judge at the High Court. With a valid ANC, preferably concluded before any lobola process, this is not necessary and it costs a fraction of the price of a postnuptial contract.

So before celebrating the promise kept, it would be most logically, legally and financially prudent, to have the tough and uncomfortable discussions about financial planning, marriage regimes, prenups and the inherent consequences, first.

So, is it time to cancel lobola? No, not at all, but it is perhaps important to re-think how we engage with lobola and realize how much power it and our customs truly have over us.

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