BREAKING NEWS: In a move that has left geographers scratching their heads, the city of Kimberley, nestled in the Northern Cape of South Africa, has applied for refugee status in neighbouring Namibia. The city, it seems, is desperate to escape the clutches of the Sol Plaatje Municipality, which has been making headlines for all the wrong reasons. Even the iconic Big Hole – Kimberley’s most famous landmark – wants to pack its sedimentary bags and join the exodus.
By Monty Quill
BREAKING NEWS: In a shocking turn of events, the city of Kimberley, nestled in the Northern Cape of South Africa, has submitted an official application for refugee status in neighbouring Namibia. Yes, you read that right, the once-thriving diamond capital of South Africa is now desperate to escape the clutches of its own municipal misfortune.
The city plans to pack up – lock, stock and barrel – in a desperate bid to get away from the Sol Plaatje Local Municipality (SPLM), leaving behind a trail of potholes, broken promises and unfulfilled dreams.
Despite numerous attempts to save Kimberley from the SPLM, including reporting the municipality to the SA Human Rights Commission and filing criminal charges with the police, the city remains in the grip of the local authority’s ineptitude. The consensus among the city’s residents is clear: it’s time to move and leave the SPLM to its own devices.
The SPLM has become the laughingstock of the country. Their corruption scandals and management blunders have reached epic proportions. It’s like they took a crash course in “How to Run a City into the Ground” and then aced the test with flying colours. Kimberley residents have been treated to a never-ending circus of incompetence, and they’ve had enough.
The latest in a series of indignities is a five-day water shutdown that has now entered its 10th day. Rumour has it that the SPLM accidentally misplaced the water valve keys and is now frantically searching for them in the mayor’s desk drawer. They are struggling to find it among all the action figures and Lego in the drawer.
The city, parched and weary, has decided it’s time to pack up and head for greener (and hopefully, wetter) pastures. In a heartfelt letter to the Namibian government, the Kimberley Refugee Committee wrote, “Dear Namibia, while our city’s taps are once again dry, we’ve been drowning in incompetence here. Please, take us in. In return, we offer our expertise in water conservation – because, let’s face it, we’ve become experts by necessity.”
Even the iconic Big Hole – Kimberley’s most famous landmark – wants to pack its sedimentary bags and join the exodus. The world-renowned tourist attraction has also had enough of the embarrassment and can no longer look visitors in the eye. In an exclusive interview, the Big Hole said, “I’ve been here for over a century, watching the madness unfold. It’s time for a change. Namibia has promised me a better view and I’m packing up.”
As the city prepares for its journey, one can’t help but wonder about the logistics of such a move. But in these desperate times, the spirit of Kimberley remains unbroken. As one resident put it, “If the SPLM can ‘misplace’ hundreds of millions of rand, we can surely misplace an entire city.”
And so, Kimberley plans to set sail toward its new destiny. Namibia, brace yourselves. The Big Hole is coming.
* Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Any resemblance to real events or municipalities is purely coincidental. The Big Hole remains firmly planted in Kimberley, and the SPLM continues to search for those elusive water valve keys.
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READ more about Kimberley’s water crisis at www.dfa.co.za
